22

So Leuts,

I have less than 24 hours left with my family. I am total panicking, not because I leave ( I think that is going to happen soon) but because I am packing my suitcase since Sunday, okay I started on Sunday and continued yesterday and I have too much stuff. Originally I thought I am really good at packing, everything seemed to fit and I wasn’t even sure if I need the hand luggage but everyone made me feel like I have not enough and now I have too much (it does not fit into the suitcase I haven’t weighed it yet) and I does not know what to leave at home, everything seems important! I have not much else than clothes, is this normal? Unfortunately, the presents for the host family take one third of the space! Ups. 

My aunt made a USA – Rebecca is coming Party yesterday. There were burgers and beer (Bud light for me and German for the others, to be honest I haven’t tasted a difference) and I have baked cookie butter cupcakes. There was American music and my aunt wanted to know everything about my flight, my travel preparations, my first days in New York, my future if I want to expand. She said I should not answer the messages of my mum everyday because when I am not at home it should feel like it too. My mum could have killed her. 

I am still not nervous because I cannot realise I am leaving tomorrow. Weird. 

I crafted the whole week (instead of packing) goodbye presents for my parents and my grandma: a clock full of pictures with typical American images so they know what time it is in Boston and a calendar with pictures from us as well as from New England. Now that I am finish I think it is ridiculous and a totally self centered present but I thought I have to give them something! 

What I have to do today is obviously packing, cleaning up my room, it looks like something exploded in here because I have thrown everything I thought I wanted to take with me into the floor and now there is barely floor visible, I want to shower, eat all the stuff which only I eat (happy eating), vacuum at my grandma’s, search the suitcase scale, say goodbye to my grandma and my aunt, cook dinner (Chili con carne), maybe read, oh not to forget quit my job, sleep and I think that’s it. 

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Birthdays

Hey,

I really do not like August. Okay, it’s summer and I like the warm and sunny weather where one can sit outside in the sun drinking a cold drink and reading a great book (In my opinion one cannot read every book at every weather, I believe the weather has to match the atmosphere of the book, weird I know. A popular example is Twilight, I prefer to read it while it’s bad weather.) Okay, I got distracted. What I wanted to tell you is that I really hate August because it’s my birthday month. I despise my birthday. It’s my birthday this week and I can’t wait for it to be over. There are barely any things I abhor more than having birthday. The thing is it is kinda New Years Eve (the ones of you who follow me for a longer time now know how much I dislike it). Everyone says nice things and treats you especially kindly just because it’s your birthday. You have to be lovely too because it is your birthday you are supposed to be happy and charming to your guests, you are not allowed to be mad. Moreover, you are the center of attention, you have to decide which food for dinner and what movie to watch although the other 364 (365) days no one cares about your opinion. The presents do not make it better. You are exspected to like them and even if I like them they do not compensate the stress. I prefer not having birthday and that’s probably the reason I haven’t thrown a party the past years. My plan for tomorrow is to go for a run in the morning and spend the rest of the day by reading in the sun  (it is said to be sunny and warm) preferably “Voyager” by Diana Gabaldon. It will be a very calm day and I exspect no surprises, I get 19, that is nothing special, it is just frustrating because I will get 20 next year and I have always considered 20 as old. *Sigh*

I am on the road now because I want to sign the contract for working as a hostess finally so I have to bake the cake for tomorrow in the evening. I know it is a bit depressing when the birthday girl has to bake her cake herself. This will be the second cake I baked this week, I guess I bake a lot when I am bored. It is going to be an Amarula cheesecake after I already made an Amarula chocolate chip cake (Now that the Amarula bottle is open I have to get it empty in a couple of days and lacking of friends to drink it with – drinking it alone is so sad and full of calories – I have to use it for baking.

Oh and for the German football fans: This Sunday there is a day almost totally dedicated to American Football on ProSiebenMaxx where they even show one preseason game (I would have almost missed it so I want to draw you attention to it!) 

Done

hey there,

before I write my second A-Level exam tomorrow I want to tell you how English was. It was okay. When I got the three different suggestions I read them one by one. The first one was about slavery. There was a text about a 11 year old girl, who got a slave for her birthday but does not like it and lets her slave free. The first task was to summarize it. The second one was to analyze the stylistic devices and the narrative perspective and how they support the feeling of the girl. The third one was to write a speech as a speaker on a congress against slavery regarding a given bar chart about slavery in the U.K. today.

Suggestion B was about Ethnic identity. The text given were two excerpts of the drama “disgrace”. First, one had to outline the role of religion in Amir’s family. Second, one had to state on problems in relation to immigrants in the U.K. regarding material discussed in class and the last one was to assess whether cultural appropriation is reprehensible.

Suggestion C was about South Africa. This was a suggestion which had 3 tasks and a mediation. The mediation was about art as an expression of oppression. Task 1 was to summarize the English text. Task 2 was to compare the text to the picture given and to the killing of Amy Biehl in the novel “Mother to mother” by Sindiwe Magona, which we read in class. Discussing if art IS an expression of unsatisfaction was task 3.

After reading one by one I was sure not to pick the currently read one. I was almost ready to chose the one with the mediation although I thought it would be too much but after reading this one as well I was not sure which I should pick. They were all 💩. The first one I eliminated was C because the mediation text was terrible. It seemed it consisted only of names. Moreover, I did not wanted to work with the novel and was not sure what to write for task 3.

It took me really long to decide between A and B. Eventually, I chose B although I had not understand the text. I would have really liked to take A because writing a speech would have been great but the problem was I had not seen one stylistic device in the text and the task was important so I decided to take B. Fortunately, I understood the text while working with it but I think I wrote a lot of unimportant things and sometimes it is probably hard to understand what I mean. Later Jaqueline, who goes to a different school, told me that her teacher said that the Kultusministerium made a little mistake because there are only 2-3 stylistic devices in the text of suggestion A so it is not exspected to write about the stylistic devices but to write a general analysis. If I had known that I would have taken this suggestion! But I cannot blame my teacher because I asked the other English classes at my school but they have not known about it, too. Now it it over and I cannot change it anymore but this infuriates me more than I thought. Grrrr.

However, tomorrow I write my German A-Level exam and I am very nervous although I do not take it very serious because it would not have been necessary to learn for the English A-Levels so I think, better hope, for tasks like this in German, too, although there was no topic I had wished for in English. In German I would like to have poems from the Expressionism and the Romantic like the task last year. A task about “Die Jungfrau von Orleans” by Schiller, “Die Marquise von O” by Kleist or “Lenz” by Büchner would be okay as well. I definitely do not choose the task about “Der Prozess” by Kafka! Okay, I could pick the speech analysis if there is no other possible task although my teacher exspects a lot of background knowledge there. I am, again, not ready. I have not learned enough, again. I am nervous. I hope I can make it. Wish me luck.

All the best luck to the people who write tomorrow!

Becca;)

PANIC

HI GUYS. I AM SO NERVOUS. I AM WRITING MY FIRST ABITUR EXAM TOMORROW. IT  IS THE VERY FIRST ONE IN HESSE. IT IS THE ONE IN ENGLISH. I HAD TO LEARN THE CONTENT OF THE LAST 1 1/2 YEARS. *HYPERVENTILATING* IT IS SO HARD TO REALIZE THAT THIS IS THE MOMENT I HAVE WORKED AND LEARNED FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIVE – AT LEAST THE LAST 12 YEARS! I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME SO FAST. I FEEL QUEASY. THIS MOMENT DECIDES ABOUT MY FUTURE. IT EITHER MAKES THAT WHAT I WANT TO DO POSSIBLE OR IMPOSSIBLE. THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE. I CANNOT COME OFF BADLY BECAUSE MY OTHER GRADES ARE ALREADY BAD. TOMORROW IS SO IMPORTANT. EVERYONE EXSPECTS ME TO PERFORM GOOD. THE ABITUR IS THE ONLY GOAL I HAVE IN MY LIFE EVER AND IF I HAVE IT SCHOOL IS OVER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTERWARDS. IT IS SO SURREAL THAT THE MOMENT IS FINALLY THERE. 

TO BE HONEST I HAD SOME PANIC ATTACKS IN THE LAST DAYS. I JUST STAND THERE ( AT SCHOOL, AT HOME OR SOMEWHERE ELSE IN PUBLIC) AND JUST HAD TO STOP AND PUT MYSELF TOGETHER OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE CRIED BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF WRITING MY ABITUR IN A FEW DAYS WAS AND IS SO OVERWHELMING. IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I AM SO SCARED. I DO NOT THINK I HAVE LEARNED ENOUGH. I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED A LOT MORE. OMG. I DO NOT THINK I CAN SLEEP WELL TONIGHT. I AM SO NERVOUS. THIS IS CRAZY. UNBELIEVABLE. I DO NOT KNOW ENOUGH. MY STYLE IS BAD. MY FEHLERINDEX IS BAD. I DO NOT KNOW MUCH. THIS IS GOING TO GO TERRIBLY BAD. I AM SO AFRAID THAT I MESS IT UP. I HAVE NOT TAKEN IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH. WHILE OTHERS LEARNED I DID SOMETHING FUN LIKE READING OR WATCHING PRISON BREAK (my new favorite season btw). I FEEL SO BAD FOR NOT LEARNING ENOUGH. I AM SO NERVOUS. I HOPE THERE WILL BE EITHER A POEM TO ANALYSE MAYBE IN REGARD TO SOUTH AFRICA AND APARTHEID OR THERE WILL BE A TASK ABOUT MULTICULTURALISM IN BRITAIN COMBAINED WITH PREDJUDICES IN THE US OR SOMETHING ABOUT THE AMERICAN DREAM. I HOPE THERE IS ONE OF THIS. PLEASE WISH ME LUCK. I AM SO AFRAID. 

GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE WRITING ENGLISH TOMORROW!

XOXO BECCA *PANICKING* 😨