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Hey guys,
I finally back. My adventure in the US continues. I had interesting last few months, where I put my finger in an immersion blender, had my first car accident, still have zero friends, have been to five different states, celebrated my first christmas and new years without my family, had an American thanksgiving, went to New York City to admire the christmas decorations, am going to an US-college, had a sleepover at a museum, watched the SuperBowl in the US (my host familiy’s favorite team won, my hostdad and my oldest host kid even flew to Minneapolis),  was skiing the first time after seven years, was snowtubing, made harbor cruise, baked a lot and am still not missing home.

So first of all, my finger is fine, it was on Patriot’s day and the boys had no school so in the afternoon we decided to make three different dishes, we, well more I finished the dessert, Banana split pie and we moved on to the next thing, carrot chickpea snacks. My oldest one does not like chickpeas so after succesfully mashing the chickpeas we decided to mash black beans. Black beans are much more solid than chickpeas so I decided to use the immersion blender to shred it. It worked out well, I was afraid the boys would get hurt so I told them to stay back and did it myself. After unplugging it i wanted to clean it, I even had to think about my mum and if it would be one of her stories I would cut off my finger now. Suddenly the immersion blender started and my finger was caught inside the blade. I was so shocked I just cried out once and told the boys to stay away. It started bleeding heavily right away and i tried to remove the blade from my finger. That was the moment I saw I did not unplugg the immersion blender but the mixer next to it. Damn!!! It hurted so bad and I clutched my finger and squeezed it as hard as i could to make it numb and stop the bleeding. I rushed to the bathroom to let cold water run over it. It was bleeding so much I bleed like a pig and left stains everywhere regardless of the mess I made when my finger was caught in the blender, I threw everything sitting on the counter down on the floor. To avoid the boys seeing me crying I send them away to have screentime while I panicked and started crying and wished my mum would be here because she knows what to do. So I paced through the house, crying, unable to watch how much of my finger I had cut off, hoping my host mum would come home. Unfortunately it was just after 3 and she would not be home for the next three hours. I was weighing the pros and cons of calling 911. I was worried about the boys, what would happen with them, what about my insurance etc, so I decided I had to look at it and see how bad it was but I just couldnt because I was so afraid to see how bad it really was because I knew my finger was still there but was it hanging at a string? After wandering through the house for 70 minutes I decided to look at it. I was a little bit dissapointed that the boys never looked for me but it was probably better. So when I lessened the pressure around my finger it started bleeding profusely again. I let water running over it now without my other hand protecting it so it washed up the fresh blood and i could finally see it, it was actually better than i imagined, I had cut it right where the finger nail started and even the finger nail was cut in half until the middle of the nail. I was just worried because it did not stop bleeding. I called my mum but she did not pick up so I called my sister, guys, I was desperate, I had to talk to someone! She was no big help because she was so engaged in her computer game. Well I just told her everything anyway and she told me mum was working. Because she did not listen anyways our call ended after 10 minutes and I started cleaning up the kitchen. I hoped I could clean up most of it before my host parents would come home, it was already a little after five. But I was not lucky this day, my host mum came approx. 5 minutes after I had started cleaning up, she said it looks like we were very busy and when she saw the blood I told her what has happended  but that I was fine. She asked if i would have to go to the hospital but I said no. So she continued working from home and I had to clean up the kitchen but I ended up talking to my mum because I had wrote her some messages which were stuff like ‘Do not worry, I did not die’ because I was frustrated when I haven’t been able to reach her. She was shocked and wanted to know everything in detail and i had to send her tons of pictures. She was worried but I tried to calm her down. When my host dad came home he was very worried and wanted to see it right away but we were about to have dinner so I did not want to ruin that and my host mum said I am old enough he does not need to check on me. Thanks! I was actually really relieved to show it to someone who was not thousands of miles away. After dinner i showed it to him and he said it is sketchy and I should decide if I wanna go to the ER he would drive me there. He has been there often because he had a lot of injuries already. But I refused his offer. My host mum gave me an antibiotic ointment which I applied and put an band aid on.
Now my finger is healed without seeing an doctor. My finger tip is numb and the part where the cut is is very sensitive, even the slightest touches hurt. My fingernail is split and started to protrude so I had to cut off these part and now I have a hole in my nail.

I am telling you more about the other events the next time.

What I wanted to write about was home. I got a 5 year journal at the beginning of the year, where you have to answer a question every day and they repeat every year for five years. It currently asked me what home is and I wrote that I refer to my living place in Germany as home as well as to my host parents house. At first I tried to not refer to the house in the US as home when I talked to my mum but that is ridicioulus, I was searching for a second family, although I doubt I found it. Today I realised I have no real home where I am feeling 100% comfortable. Alone the thought of returning to Germany scares me. Everything seems so small, boring and predetermined while I am free here. I can’t return, but should I extend? It is not as good as I imagined and most of the times it is awkward with my host parents. This question stressed me out so much, I knew already after a few weeks I would extend for nine more months but with the same family? The area is great, I kind of like the boys, they are so cute and well mannered and if I would leave them for another family I would definitly throw away even the slightest chance to see them as a second family and stay in contact. But maybe I would find a better family somewhere else! Ahhhhh! So I recently decided to wait what they would do, if they ask me to stay longer I would although I am not so sure, looking at my work, I wouldnt ask me… Well, to make it even harder, my mum suggested I should go to New Zealand as an Au Pair after my year here. I have no idea how she came up with this idea. She always tells me how much she misses me and she can’t wait until I come home and then she wants me to leave again? Why? She said I should think about it. I already did some research. I am not sure. I kind of like the idea but it feels like I will never accomplish something. I will start studying 3 years after graduation. My fellow students will be 3 years younger than me! I kind of like the thought to extend for 6 months AND go to New Zealand but my mum will hate this idea but I should make my own decisions! I mean it was her idea with New Zealand! But I do not want to break my mum’s heart! Oh man, what should I do? Moreover, I miss my cat Frau Schröder so much (she is actually the only living being I miss) and what would it do to her if I would leave her again? I would miss 2 years of her life!

Do not get me wrong, I love Germany. Staying in the US made me even realise how much! I just can’t bear the thought of returning home to my family in my small home town with no clue what to do in my future. I would not like to stay here permanently, Germany is too cool but I living somewhere else. When I don’t do it know I never will! And it is always just for a short amount of time and not for forever.

Btw, I am so proud of Germany leading the Olympic medal table. I even betted with my host dad that Germany would get more gold medals than the US, we did it already 2006 and 2010. Come on Germany!

das-deutsche-olympia-team-steht-im-aktuellen-medaillenspiegel-auf-dem-ersten-platz-

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Summer

Okay first of all, I have write this post again because it just got deleted. Damn it.

I think I will die of boredom soon. Everyone has something to do except for me. My little cousin is in Croatia, my oldest cousin went to the North Sea with a couple of friends, even my sister will travel to Denmark with the Girl Scouts and my parents will spend a week in Vienna. The only one who stays at home for two weeks is me. I think my mum would pay a short trip somewhere but I do not want to be dependent on my parents and their money. Moreover they do not have much money either otherwise they would go to the Carribbean for holiday. My mum puts aside a lot of money so she has money she can spend on things for my sister and me. I do not want that my mum almost buys nothing for her so she has enough money for us. It is just not right. My sister has a different opinion she wants and wants and wants new things.

I think I hit the bottom now. I just had to file unemployment not because of the money but so my parents get child support and I stay social secured. I searched for a job for weeks now, effortlessly. They all think I will quit in October because they assume I will start studying then – wrong. I still do not know WHAT to study and there are only a few days left (until July 15) to apply for a place at the university but I still do not know what I want (and you all know how bad I am at making decisions). Eventually I will have no job nor a place at the university. I am such a loser. I do not know how to spend my days. Since I have no school anymore (which is since May 12) my days are all the same, I get up very early because I hate to sleep in late (I always feel like I miss half the day), prepare breakfast, go running, then I surf in the Internet (lately looking for jobs), talk to my mum, sleep, prepare and eat dinner, watch TV although it does not interest me, sleep, all in all, I wait that anther day passes. I hate running but it is my only task and I cannot quit it! I always get the best ideas and thoughts during I run. Actually, I just came back from it although it is more than 35 degrees outside but I have to fill the 24 hours of the day somehow!

Two weeks ago was my graduation. I hated it. It was very hot and I was not very eager to see all the people who are so good at ignoring me. Our teachers held a lot of speeches with the messages: “What you achieved is fantastic, you can be so proud!” “The world is now open and you can do what you want!” “Nothing can stop you” “Your life just begins” “School was easy, everything gets harder now” and so on and on. I was not very encouraging. This are just phrases everyone says but one cannot take serious. Only the very good and very engaged students got honored so for the Reston us it was very boring. Surprisingly I had not the worst overall A-Level result although I never raised my hand which contributes 50% to the grade. I was not lazy, I was afraid that the other would laugh. I ruined my A-Levels by this. My mum (who was the only one who accompanied me) and I were glad when it was over.

A week later the horror started anew: the big ball (organized by the students to celebrate themselves and praise their teachers). This time my mum and dad came. The students sat on a gallery and the teachers and parents sat below us so they could not see us. I was worried about where to sit but like the week before I got invited to sit next to two classmates of mine, okay they ignored me the whole time but at least I had not had to worry about a place to sit. The celebration took 5 freaking hours, five!!! Can you believe it? It was extraordinary boring and I played with my cell phone. We were nine different classes and everyone had to produce a video to introduce their class. My crappy class decided to sing a song of praise for our tutor. I hated the idea, I mean I am scared to talk with them and especially in front of a lot of people and then more than 500 people should see me singing?! Because everyone had to sing a verse alone? I hate my class, I hate them so much! I did it of course but it was so embarrassing. Our video was by far the worst. After every video two of each class held a speech which summed up the last two years and praised their teacher. It was terrible not only because they lied like troopers but because they hardly tried to be funny but failed. During the videos there were performances by the year below us like dances and songs. Even two girls of my year sang a song but everyone (okay, not th teachers and parents) laughed about the because it sounded awful, Who recommended them to sing there? Of course had someone the glorious idea to make a father-daughter and mother-son dance. Fortunately I was able to convince my father that we do not participate. Somehow I think it is very embarrassing. There were even two breaks a 30 minutes which could have been omitted because the event took 5 and a half hours. Jesus! The only funny thing were the waiter. Two boys dropped literally everything and if one heard glass shattering on the staircase again one could easily guess whose fault it was! They even ruined some dresses and suits! Food was almost non-existent. Everyone got one tiny, tiny glass with either potato salad or meat. We were all starving!

Two days later was the After-show party to which I did not go. I have enough experiences of school parties to know that I would stand alone in a corner and wish that the party is soon over. Surprisingly one of my classmates, who refused to go as well, asked if we want to go to a restaurant instead and spend the evening together. Because I longed for distraction I said yes. We went to a restaurant which looked like a retirement home and the people who came there matched the impression. We decreases the average age from 90 to 80. But the food was delicious. I drove her home afterwards. It was her and her friend with whom I met to eat breakfast together a week before. We stayed in the cafe four hours and just talked (it did not feel like 4 hours the time just flew by). Afterwards we went to the city center to eat ice cream (well, I just watched them eating ice cream). I drove them both home there, too. I do not know why everything has to be about food not only then but at home as well. My mum knows barely another topic than food, what should she make for dinner, we should go to a restaurant again, could I bake a cake, could I buy buns for breakfast, she is so hungry what could she eat, do I want an ice cream? Ugh.

Now to the topic I think about the most: AuPair.
During my graduation my tutor (who has filled out my character reference) asked me if I could write her a post card when I am in the US. I had to tell her then that no host family wants me as an AuPair and she was shocked because she thought the Organisation just matches AuPair and host family. An classmate overheard the conversation and asked me if I want the telephone number of an acquaintance of her who knows a host family who is still searching an AuPair. I was happy for a new opportunity and said yes. I wrote her the same day. She told me about the host family from Philly with two girls. It sounded good until I heard that I had to change the Organisation to match with the family. The family was registered at Cultural Care AuPair (the Organisation I did not wanted to choose because it was the most expansive and the one with the worst critics) and I am registered at AIFS. Actually, I thought about changing the Organisation for a short time but I would have to fill out every form anew and request a new medical form and criminal record what would cost money again and in the end the family and I do not like each other and everything was for nothing. So I declined her offer. I gave up the idea of a year abroad.
Four days later a new host family emailed me that they are interested. I was very happy. Again four days later I skyped with the host mum, she is awesome. She is really sympathic and the family is everything I have always wished for. Okay there are three boys (I would prefer two but I will make it) and I can start not until Mid-October (I wanted to start by no later than the beginning of September so I could start studying the next year after I came back, but I have to admit I changed my availability time so my chances were higher to get a host family). Our skype interview was the longest, funniest and best I ever had, I tried to speak a lot. She said she really enjoyed talking to me and we skype again tomorrow, then with her husband too. Two days ago I skyped with their current AuPair (I was the only applicant who were able to do so, which is a good sign I think). I really hope it will work eventually!

So now to you dear Amy. It is thanks to you that I write this blog post. I doubt I am a good distraction because my life is really messed up (more than I let someone know) and boring but I m very honored that you like my blog because I just became a big fan of yours! (Guys, check it out, it is awesome!!!! –> My winged words ). We are more alike than one thinks. I am sorry that I cannot give you any tips about blogging because I do not have any rules. I just write about my day and what touches me, my thoughts and ideas, just like a diary. I hope that other people who are like me find comfort in it and does not feel alone. I wish you all the best and I wish I could tell you something which would help you but I am the last one who should give you any advises about overcoming an eating disorder. I really admire your bravery and honesty and cannot wait for a new post from you.

XOXO Becca

Math

I survived my oral math exam!!! Yeah! But my math teacher picked the three two-quarters I was not good, he just did not made a task about the topics in the two quarters I had 10 points (B-). Dumbass! It wasn’t even necessary that he uses the topics of three two quarters, of two two-quarters would have been enough. I saw the tasks and I did not know what to do. In the end, I solved all seven tasks, somehow. For most of them the result seemed wrong. First I had to tell two characteristics why the graph shows the cup from the pic and I had to calculate the maximal diameter. The graph given was shown from x=0 to x=8 and at 8 it had the biggest diameter (I knew it because of the picture given) so I just plugged in the 8 for the x in the function. 

Second, I had to draw a circle with the given centre and the givenvents intersection with the graph. Fortunately I brought my spring bow. So I delineated it into the coordinate system. Because of the spring bow and the given points I knew the radius and I was able to set up the equation for the circle. 

Next, I had to describe how I can calculate the radius exactly.

Then I had to check if the condition f(3)<0,25 is correct so I had to set up the derivation and insert 3 for x. 

The next one consisted of the calculating method and I had to explain what is happening in each step (it was about the volume of revolution)

Then I had to draw a tree diagram about twenty cappuccinos, 14 of them with, 6 without cocoa. From the 14 with cocoa the judges marked them as good with a 70% probability but the ones without only with a probability of 55% and calculate the probability for a cappuccino regardless if it was with or without cocoa to be marked as good. 

Last I had to calculate the probability for three good cappuccinos of five chosen cappuccinos from all the twenty cappuccinos. 

After presentating my teacher showed me that some results (the ones I was certain were correct) could not be right. Great! 

He just asked me some other questions, mainly if I could show them my calculating method. Sometimes the other math teacher said I explained it well but it is wrong what I could change to make it right – I DO NOT KNOW IF I WOULD HAVE I WOULD HAD DONE IT THIS WAY STRAIGHT AWAY! He asked me how a graph with a negative gradient looks like, what I could have done OTHERWISE to proof that the graph on the picture fits the cup (insert a point – WHICH ONE THERE WAS NONE GIVEN, demands)… I am not very interested into getting to know the result. 

I hope my explanation is not that difficult to understand, I cannot express my mathematical thoughts in German so English is even worse.

Overwhelmed 

Guys, 

Only 100 days until the football season begins!!!😍

So now to what I actually wanted to say: I just cannot do anything anymore, not physically but mentally. Tomorrow is the first of my two oral exams for my A-Levels, tomorrow’s is math. It does not feel like a part of my A-Levels. Maybe because I haven’t had school since 18 days or because there is no one I can talk about it with. I just do not take it seriously not even one day before. It might be as well because regardless of how many points I get (I only need one to pass my A-Levels) my average is shitty. So I can be very relaxed because the teachers tend to give at least one point although I am certain my math teacher hates me. He will probably take a topic for tomorrow’s exam in which I am very bad. Anyway, it’s math, I will be satisfied if I get at least five points everything above would be a dream. The problem is I just cannot remember everything of the last two years! Especially not in math! 

Furthermore, my cat is very ill. She has barely moved and eaten since Sunday and only drank a bit this morning. I was not sure but when I touched she felt like she has temperature . So I went with her to the vet – only one day before my important exam. And I was right, she has 40C temperature! So she got a vitamin cure, antibiotics and an infusion. We got protein and Vitamine food and a painkiller for at home. All in all it costed 100€. Wow, I am totally broke now, although I babysitted twice this weekend. 

In addition to that, the fact that no host family was interested in me for more than one week and that there were only 5 ones overall in more than 4 weeks burns me out. My friend who is visible for host families for two weeks now has as much family suggestions as I. That’s frustrating. I get already used to the idea to stay in Germany. Now that I am finally aware of what I want it does not work out. At least I do not have to blame myself for taking so long until I was finally activated I did everything as fast as I could, even if I had wanted it since day 1 I would not have been visible for the host families any longer. I think most host families already found an AuPair and I am too late. I am still sad about not getting chosen by the host family from Texas. Now I do not know what to do if I cannot do my year abroad! There is only one month left until my preffered departure date. Weird. 
Well, first I have to pass my A-Levels now and then I can worry about my year abroad. Maybe a new family suggestion would distract me tomorrow anyway.

Waiting

The waiting for new email kills me. I want to do this, I want to be an AuPair. My life is so boring I want to experience something, to go on an adventure! One year can be very long, my A-Levels were bad, maybe I should do the year again and I am a bit afraid to come back when my time in the US was awesome! But I have to leave, I cannot stand my family anymore. I know, at first I was afraid to get an Email and I think this ruined my possible match with the host family from Texas but I think this host family interview with the Texan family woke me up and made me realise I want this! I know, my mum is still against the idea but she asks everyday if a new family is interested. Now that I turned down the host family from California with whom I Skyped two days ago (I just did not feel comfortable but they answered that they feel similarly, dumbasses) I have no interested families again. That is very frustrating, especially if my friend who was approved to be seen by the host family three weeks later than I had already four suggestions and is in contact with a family who she really likes and who likes her back so they are probably going to match. AM I THIS BAD?! I want a family now so I can get the visa. This takes at least four weeks and I wanted to depart in July! I think now that I know what I  want the Au Pair thing is not going to happen because I won’t find a fitting host family…

P.S. Check out my new blog especially for my year abroad! 

Certain but disappointed 

Hi people, 

the Skype Interview and my situation at home let me see that I should and want to be an AuPair although I know that my mum will be sad about it. I was so hopeful aboutthefamily from Texas and I really imagined living there. I wrote their current AuPair but she didn’t answer me. I think this could be thereason they did not pick me. They might have thought that I am not interested in them because their AuPair has not got my email because it maybe got into her spam folder. I do not know. What I know was that I was very disappointed that they did not pick me as their AuPair. I really wanted it. This made me realize that I want to do a year abroad. Although I never truly believed they would pick me (I screwed up the Skype Interview, I asked not enough questions and talked too less all in all and maybe because they thought I never emailed their AuPair and I do not care enough – although I did). I haven’t heard of them for two days and when I saw that I got an email yesterday evening I knew that this would be a refusal email so I was afraid to open it. I was totally down yesterday and i maybe cried a bit. The only thing I could think about today was that they did not want me although I was the AuPair’s favorite. So I screwed it up by being me. Great. I never got am positive answer to any application I sent, regardless to whom or what. Both families who turned me down said that my application is great and I will easily find a host family. Haha, good joke. Three families wrote me in three weeks. I will never find a family until September. I know it sounds ridiculous because it seems like I want to take part in the AuPair Programme since Tuesday but you know I really wanted this a long time before and I just got uncertain because of school and my family.  

Results

I got my results from the written part of my A-Levels today. I would have been satisfied with at least 10 points in history and 7-8 points in English and German. 

I cried when I saw how many points I achieved. I managed to get 10 in history and 8 in English but 5 ! points in German. I knew that it was not perfect but I never expected it to be so bad. I couldn’t stop the tears. It was awful. Everyone told me it is not that bad and that some were altogether even worse than me but that does not cheer me up. Okay some probably did not pass and I feel bad for crying because of 3 points if they did not made it and did not cry. But it was so important to be good. I do not know if I should try to improve my points in an extra test. I doubt that I could increase my points a lot. 

I did not hurry with coming home. When.I got home my mum was very disappointed and said she always thought native German speakers without immigrant background are able to get much more points and that this looks like I am totally dump and that no one will hire me. That was really encouraging. My answer was that clever people will know that it is much more than correct German spelling and grammar and if she thinks she would have scored higher but she said that is not comparable and that I am very arrogant thinking that everybody I deal with is dumb. She cannot understand why I left to go to my room. The first thing I did there was eating chocolate. I just made first steps in getting over it and she crushed it and made everything worse. Maybe I should do a year abroad just to get away from her although she is the reason I originally did not want to go…

At the moment I am discovering my love for Metal music🤘🎧🎵