Birthdays

Hey,

I really do not like August. Okay, it’s summer and I like the warm and sunny weather where one can sit outside in the sun drinking a cold drink and reading a great book (In my opinion one cannot read every book at every weather, I believe the weather has to match the atmosphere of the book, weird I know. A popular example is Twilight, I prefer to read it while it’s bad weather.) Okay, I got distracted. What I wanted to tell you is that I really hate August because it’s my birthday month. I despise my birthday. It’s my birthday this week and I can’t wait for it to be over. There are barely any things I abhor more than having birthday. The thing is it is kinda New Years Eve (the ones of you who follow me for a longer time now know how much I dislike it). Everyone says nice things and treats you especially kindly just because it’s your birthday. You have to be lovely too because it is your birthday you are supposed to be happy and charming to your guests, you are not allowed to be mad. Moreover, you are the center of attention, you have to decide which food for dinner and what movie to watch although the other 364 (365) days no one cares about your opinion. The presents do not make it better. You are exspected to like them and even if I like them they do not compensate the stress. I prefer not having birthday and that’s probably the reason I haven’t thrown a party the past years. My plan for tomorrow is to go for a run in the morning and spend the rest of the day by reading in the sun  (it is said to be sunny and warm) preferably “Voyager” by Diana Gabaldon. It will be a very calm day and I exspect no surprises, I get 19, that is nothing special, it is just frustrating because I will get 20 next year and I have always considered 20 as old. *Sigh*

I am on the road now because I want to sign the contract for working as a hostess finally so I have to bake the cake for tomorrow in the evening. I know it is a bit depressing when the birthday girl has to bake her cake herself. This will be the second cake I baked this week, I guess I bake a lot when I am bored. It is going to be an Amarula cheesecake after I already made an Amarula chocolate chip cake (Now that the Amarula bottle is open I have to get it empty in a couple of days and lacking of friends to drink it with – drinking it alone is so sad and full of calories – I have to use it for baking.

Oh and for the German football fans: This Sunday there is a day almost totally dedicated to American Football on ProSiebenMaxx where they even show one preseason game (I would have almost missed it so I want to draw you attention to it!) 

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Summer

Okay first of all, I have write this post again because it just got deleted. Damn it.

I think I will die of boredom soon. Everyone has something to do except for me. My little cousin is in Croatia, my oldest cousin went to the North Sea with a couple of friends, even my sister will travel to Denmark with the Girl Scouts and my parents will spend a week in Vienna. The only one who stays at home for two weeks is me. I think my mum would pay a short trip somewhere but I do not want to be dependent on my parents and their money. Moreover they do not have much money either otherwise they would go to the Carribbean for holiday. My mum puts aside a lot of money so she has money she can spend on things for my sister and me. I do not want that my mum almost buys nothing for her so she has enough money for us. It is just not right. My sister has a different opinion she wants and wants and wants new things.

I think I hit the bottom now. I just had to file unemployment not because of the money but so my parents get child support and I stay social secured. I searched for a job for weeks now, effortlessly. They all think I will quit in October because they assume I will start studying then – wrong. I still do not know WHAT to study and there are only a few days left (until July 15) to apply for a place at the university but I still do not know what I want (and you all know how bad I am at making decisions). Eventually I will have no job nor a place at the university. I am such a loser. I do not know how to spend my days. Since I have no school anymore (which is since May 12) my days are all the same, I get up very early because I hate to sleep in late (I always feel like I miss half the day), prepare breakfast, go running, then I surf in the Internet (lately looking for jobs), talk to my mum, sleep, prepare and eat dinner, watch TV although it does not interest me, sleep, all in all, I wait that anther day passes. I hate running but it is my only task and I cannot quit it! I always get the best ideas and thoughts during I run. Actually, I just came back from it although it is more than 35 degrees outside but I have to fill the 24 hours of the day somehow!

Two weeks ago was my graduation. I hated it. It was very hot and I was not very eager to see all the people who are so good at ignoring me. Our teachers held a lot of speeches with the messages: “What you achieved is fantastic, you can be so proud!” “The world is now open and you can do what you want!” “Nothing can stop you” “Your life just begins” “School was easy, everything gets harder now” and so on and on. I was not very encouraging. This are just phrases everyone says but one cannot take serious. Only the very good and very engaged students got honored so for the Reston us it was very boring. Surprisingly I had not the worst overall A-Level result although I never raised my hand which contributes 50% to the grade. I was not lazy, I was afraid that the other would laugh. I ruined my A-Levels by this. My mum (who was the only one who accompanied me) and I were glad when it was over.

A week later the horror started anew: the big ball (organized by the students to celebrate themselves and praise their teachers). This time my mum and dad came. The students sat on a gallery and the teachers and parents sat below us so they could not see us. I was worried about where to sit but like the week before I got invited to sit next to two classmates of mine, okay they ignored me the whole time but at least I had not had to worry about a place to sit. The celebration took 5 freaking hours, five!!! Can you believe it? It was extraordinary boring and I played with my cell phone. We were nine different classes and everyone had to produce a video to introduce their class. My crappy class decided to sing a song of praise for our tutor. I hated the idea, I mean I am scared to talk with them and especially in front of a lot of people and then more than 500 people should see me singing?! Because everyone had to sing a verse alone? I hate my class, I hate them so much! I did it of course but it was so embarrassing. Our video was by far the worst. After every video two of each class held a speech which summed up the last two years and praised their teacher. It was terrible not only because they lied like troopers but because they hardly tried to be funny but failed. During the videos there were performances by the year below us like dances and songs. Even two girls of my year sang a song but everyone (okay, not th teachers and parents) laughed about the because it sounded awful, Who recommended them to sing there? Of course had someone the glorious idea to make a father-daughter and mother-son dance. Fortunately I was able to convince my father that we do not participate. Somehow I think it is very embarrassing. There were even two breaks a 30 minutes which could have been omitted because the event took 5 and a half hours. Jesus! The only funny thing were the waiter. Two boys dropped literally everything and if one heard glass shattering on the staircase again one could easily guess whose fault it was! They even ruined some dresses and suits! Food was almost non-existent. Everyone got one tiny, tiny glass with either potato salad or meat. We were all starving!

Two days later was the After-show party to which I did not go. I have enough experiences of school parties to know that I would stand alone in a corner and wish that the party is soon over. Surprisingly one of my classmates, who refused to go as well, asked if we want to go to a restaurant instead and spend the evening together. Because I longed for distraction I said yes. We went to a restaurant which looked like a retirement home and the people who came there matched the impression. We decreases the average age from 90 to 80. But the food was delicious. I drove her home afterwards. It was her and her friend with whom I met to eat breakfast together a week before. We stayed in the cafe four hours and just talked (it did not feel like 4 hours the time just flew by). Afterwards we went to the city center to eat ice cream (well, I just watched them eating ice cream). I drove them both home there, too. I do not know why everything has to be about food not only then but at home as well. My mum knows barely another topic than food, what should she make for dinner, we should go to a restaurant again, could I bake a cake, could I buy buns for breakfast, she is so hungry what could she eat, do I want an ice cream? Ugh.

Now to the topic I think about the most: AuPair.
During my graduation my tutor (who has filled out my character reference) asked me if I could write her a post card when I am in the US. I had to tell her then that no host family wants me as an AuPair and she was shocked because she thought the Organisation just matches AuPair and host family. An classmate overheard the conversation and asked me if I want the telephone number of an acquaintance of her who knows a host family who is still searching an AuPair. I was happy for a new opportunity and said yes. I wrote her the same day. She told me about the host family from Philly with two girls. It sounded good until I heard that I had to change the Organisation to match with the family. The family was registered at Cultural Care AuPair (the Organisation I did not wanted to choose because it was the most expansive and the one with the worst critics) and I am registered at AIFS. Actually, I thought about changing the Organisation for a short time but I would have to fill out every form anew and request a new medical form and criminal record what would cost money again and in the end the family and I do not like each other and everything was for nothing. So I declined her offer. I gave up the idea of a year abroad.
Four days later a new host family emailed me that they are interested. I was very happy. Again four days later I skyped with the host mum, she is awesome. She is really sympathic and the family is everything I have always wished for. Okay there are three boys (I would prefer two but I will make it) and I can start not until Mid-October (I wanted to start by no later than the beginning of September so I could start studying the next year after I came back, but I have to admit I changed my availability time so my chances were higher to get a host family). Our skype interview was the longest, funniest and best I ever had, I tried to speak a lot. She said she really enjoyed talking to me and we skype again tomorrow, then with her husband too. Two days ago I skyped with their current AuPair (I was the only applicant who were able to do so, which is a good sign I think). I really hope it will work eventually!

So now to you dear Amy. It is thanks to you that I write this blog post. I doubt I am a good distraction because my life is really messed up (more than I let someone know) and boring but I m very honored that you like my blog because I just became a big fan of yours! (Guys, check it out, it is awesome!!!! –> My winged words ). We are more alike than one thinks. I am sorry that I cannot give you any tips about blogging because I do not have any rules. I just write about my day and what touches me, my thoughts and ideas, just like a diary. I hope that other people who are like me find comfort in it and does not feel alone. I wish you all the best and I wish I could tell you something which would help you but I am the last one who should give you any advises about overcoming an eating disorder. I really admire your bravery and honesty and cannot wait for a new post from you.

XOXO Becca

Nothing new

Hey guys,

It is a wonder that I haven’t died of boredom yet. I am sooooooo bored. I do not know what to do. I cannot search for a job because I do not know when (and if) I have to leave for the US. Oh, by the way, I have a new suggestion from a Swiss family from Boston with whom I have skyped yesterday. It was awkward and I doubt that they will pick me as their new AuPair. I do not believe that my AuPair year will happen so I am searching for an idea what subject I could study but it either sounds boring or has no future potential. That is so frustrating!

Moreover, I am really down, nothing makes fun anymore (not even reading) and I wish I could sleep the whole day. I thought being finish with school feels better. I wish I could be back at school! (I have never imagined saying this, oh god, it is worse than I thought).

I hope you feel better and have more fun.

Becca

It’s getting serious

Hi guys.

I still do not know what to do after my A-Levels. I completed my Au Pair application last Thursday so I assumed the first families will contact me in the middle of May. I was wrong. The first one wrote me yesterday. I was really surprised and when I saw the E-Mail I felt like I am in a rollercoaster. I had no appetite anymore although it was just a short time before dinner. I haven’t answered it yet because I do not know if I want to go. The family seems nice and I think I agree to a Skype meeting. I am so NERVOUS! 

Becca

Sad

Hey,

I am really melancholic lately. Probably because school time ends in a few days. I was rather sad than relieved after I had written my last exam. Do not ask me why. I couldn’t stop some tears yesterday when my R.E. teacher said goodbye to.us and that we are nice human beings and she really overspending time with us. I do not want school to end. I still do not know what to do afterwards. On Monday I got accepted as an AuPair and I am officially searching for a host family now although I do not know whether I will go eventually. My mom does not like the idea and makes me uncertain. If one had asked me 3 months ago I would have been totally secure that I want to go to the US but now I am not so sure it is what I want. The problem is I do not know what I want. In addition to that I cannot abandon the idea of redoing this year. My math teacher just have me 3!!! points that is equal to an E. Son of a bitch! If he would have give me 4 instead of 1 point for my oral grade I would have gotten the 5 points I need. I mean, I do not disturb his lessons, always do my homework and work in class. 1 point is not fair! I hate him so much. Moreover, he said “Sorry, but I do not know how I can give you a better grade” Maybe my written A-Levels are crap and I have to redo this year anyway. I am very angry now. I would not go the math anymore if I haven’t do my oral A-Levels in math. 

However, have you seen the draft last night? It was my first draft. I wanted to watch it last year but I missed my clock and overslept all three nights. This year I went to bed early (11 pm) and got up again at 1:30 am. I prepared some food: bread, strawberries and yoghurt with raspberries. Luckily I had no school before 8:30 am so I was able to get some sleep after the draft ended at 6am. And tonight it continues!

Becca

Last day

Hey folks, what’s up?

Spring break is almost over but I am not sure if I should be happy or sad. It started great because on Monday last week I met an friend from primary school. I went to her house, where her boyfriend was, too, which I think was a bit disturbing but fortunately he left after a short time to go buying groceries. We have not seen us since December last year so it took us hours to catch up. Unfortunately her life as a mess as mine so we had a lot to talk about, especially our A-Levels. Her subjects are maths, art and German. We later went outside to enjoy the sun and continue talking. Her boyfriend came back but stayed inside. We talked about her grandfather dying a few weeks ago, her boyfriend (of course when he was away), school and that she fights a lot with her friends there, her mothers new husband (who is btw a jerk), her moving to her grandmother in summer break because she cannot bear her mother anymore, her plans after finishing school (she has no specific ones – maybe working), about the oral part of the A-Levelsand that we are not motivated to learn, that she is afraid that she totally messed up the A-Levels and we wallowed in memories. When her mum came home she made us come eating self made brownies. I got to know Naomi’s step dad Gordon, he asked how A-Levels went with me and I answered it was okay. He and Naomi’s mum started criticizing Naomi and me because A-Levels are totally easy and they passed it without effort. They then asked us questions like when did the first humans settle in the US (I knew that – 1619 in Jamestown), who / what is Othello (I have heard about it and know that it is written by Shakespeare but that’s it – it was not enough) why the most spoken language is English and not German ( I know this because my mum keeps telling me that but I have never heard of it in school) and other questions which were irrelevant for the A-Levels. Naomi and I could not answer much so they said we were dump and no wonder that we are not sure if we pass the A-Levels. I have never felt so dump! I can totally understand why Naomi wants to move, her mother was different when she was still single. 
The day after that my mum and I cleaned the terrace that means we have to clean the wooden floor by hand. We do it every year by scrubbing it with a dandy brush on our knees which takes a minimum of 3 hours. Well, we did it and afterwards everything hurt. I always feel like a sailor cleaning the floor of a ship. 
On Wednesday my mum and I went to the mall to buy a dress for the Abi Ball. 90 minutes and 20 dresses later I found one. I means it is not my dream dress but it looks good. Originally I did not want a blue dress because I am almost always wearing blue but the other colors looked really bad when I wore them so eventually I had to pick between two blue dresses, one was completely dark blue and high-necked. On the top were dark blue sequins, the other one was dark blue, too and had a silver belt and a heart-formed neckline, and a dark blue dress with a V-neckline and lace. I have not picked the one my mum preffered and the shop Assistent said I have picked the most teenage-locking one. I picked the dark blue one with the sequins.                         After buying it we split up and everyone had one hour on their own. I went to a multimedia shop, a grocery store, a decoration store and a book shop. In the end I bought two books and some fake flowers. When we met again we went on shopping for clothes. After 7 hours in the mall we returned home. To be honest, more often I see my dress the more I like it. 
The next days were boring, I was at home and enjoyed the time my sister was skiing with my uncle and his family. I read a lot and watched TV, I am almost through with Prison Break, I have to watch episode 1 of season 5 so I can watch the new episode tomorrow on Tv. I think they should not have make a new season, (!!! Spoiler alert !!! Because I liked that Michael died. Do not get me wrong, I really liked Michael and I have cried very much when I saw his gravestone and when he sacrificed himself for Sara and the Baby but I think it is awesome that there is no typical happy end! They are free but he is dead. It is typical for the show because often characters died one died not exscpected. ) I am curious how the new season is and I am going to watch the first episode in the evening. 

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Last weekend the weather was incredibly good so I sat outside the whole time and read. Silly me has not thought about sun protection so I had a bad sunburn afterwards. But it was okay. It was very hot. Unfortunately the weather worsened within the week and yesterday it rained a lot. Fortunately I was able and motivated to clean my car beforehand. It took me 3 hours to clean it up from the in- and outside. My mum and grandma watched me the whole time and gave unbelievable useful tips. During cleaning it my motivation said goodbye and I wanted to be finish asap but my perfection was in the way and so I cleaned it up very hearty. 
On Wednesday I went to the mall with Jaqueline. We have not seen us for a long time, too. I drove us (although I hate driving or at least I hate it when I am not alone) there. It went very well and there we rambled through the shops because we both did not have much many left. We went looking for dresses for Jaqueline for the AbiBall but she was not keen to try them on so we did not found one. We spend a lot of time in the book shop to discuss the books there which we have read and recommend them or not to each other. Eventually we left without buying one. After that we went to the decoration shop and I bought an angel figure for my mum(she loves them), a frame and a glass container. We went to Starbucks and while we drank our coffee we talked about, of course, our A-Levels, about redoing the school year (she is the only one who understands why I want to do it again), about her friends, the Parkplatzparty, Eastern, dresses, what to do after school and what to do after having no classes anymore in May. It was great to talk to her and I love meeting her. We should definitely meet more often. We went into some fashion shops but did not buy anything and after her buying some chocolate for her parents we left after 4 hours and drove home. 
Yesterday was boring, my mum went grocery shopping and I went with her. I remembered that I still have to write a poem for the poetry slam in German, make my presentation for English which I have to present on Tuesday and make my politics homework which I need on Tuesday as well. And this is excaxtly my plan for today in addition to reading and doing sports. The weather is good so I am probably going outside to do so. 

I hope you have a nice Friday! Becca XXX

Spring break!!!

Well, no we are in Germany so Spring Break is no big thing here. A lot of my class mates go on holidays for example to Italy, Austria or South Africa. But I stay at home. I can start learning for the oral part of my A-Levels which take place at the end of May. What I surely do is going to the vet with Frau Schröder on Monday. Moreover I asked Jaqueline and a friend from primary school if we can meet. We have no date yet. I really want to binge watch Prison  Break. I started watching it 1 month ago. I am currently in the middle of season 3. I LOVE IT. IT IS MY NEW FAVORITE TV SERIES. I cannot believe it is 10 years old. I was 8 when it aired on TV. Weird. I really like Wentworth Miller and Sarah Wayne Callies. They have a great chemistry. I think the first season was the best one. Okay the second one was only slightly worse but I really dislike Season 3. I do not know why. I think it is weird and I do not think that Bellick’s development is realistic. I do not want to spoiler much. I did not start the show because I heard there will be a fifth season but because we got Amazon Prime and there are not many movies and series I am interested in which you could watch for free. Believe me or not it was coincidence. Since then I am totally addicted and tried to watch two episodes a day but when the A-Levels started I missed that goal more often. Originally I planned to finish the series around the 8th April because then the new episodes air on German TV but when I want to accomplish that I have to increase the number of episodes per day. I do not like the idea because I want to enjoy the show as long as possible so I am not able to watch the new episodes on TV. Maybe I am buying the DVD later. 

Have a nice day. It is going to be 25 C today so I am going to spend my time outdoors today.

XOXO Becca❤