I think I have a new hobby: job interviews.

This one was the second this week and the fourth during this month. And it was very exciting and by far the most thrilling and fun! I applied at the airport but not for now but for next year when I return. 

First, I had some problems finding the place (I mean Frankfurt Airport is the biggest in Germany) but I arrived just in time). We were approximately 20 , applicants, the most were dressed very  VERY formal, I felt slightly underdressed, and we had to take a test. The test was about logic e.g. complete numerical series, match fitting words and an English grammar test. I finish first and completed all exercises although the women said that one usually cannot complete all in the given time. Ups. Then I had to talk to the women again about how much I want to work and when I want to start. When they got the test results they either told you you did not pass or they invited to a personal talk which took about 15 minutes and was partly in English. After that I had to wait again. When they think you would fit in you are invited to a 30 minute long talk with a psychologist who evaluates if the job is the right thing for you. I get the result of the last talk within the next two weeks. That was real fun but I was overwhelmed by the last conversation. I think I screwed it up because I did not know what to answer…

Well, let’s see… 

Summer

Okay first of all, I have write this post again because it just got deleted. Damn it.

I think I will die of boredom soon. Everyone has something to do except for me. My little cousin is in Croatia, my oldest cousin went to the North Sea with a couple of friends, even my sister will travel to Denmark with the Girl Scouts and my parents will spend a week in Vienna. The only one who stays at home for two weeks is me. I think my mum would pay a short trip somewhere but I do not want to be dependent on my parents and their money. Moreover they do not have much money either otherwise they would go to the Carribbean for holiday. My mum puts aside a lot of money so she has money she can spend on things for my sister and me. I do not want that my mum almost buys nothing for her so she has enough money for us. It is just not right. My sister has a different opinion she wants and wants and wants new things.

I think I hit the bottom now. I just had to file unemployment not because of the money but so my parents get child support and I stay social secured. I searched for a job for weeks now, effortlessly. They all think I will quit in October because they assume I will start studying then – wrong. I still do not know WHAT to study and there are only a few days left (until July 15) to apply for a place at the university but I still do not know what I want (and you all know how bad I am at making decisions). Eventually I will have no job nor a place at the university. I am such a loser. I do not know how to spend my days. Since I have no school anymore (which is since May 12) my days are all the same, I get up very early because I hate to sleep in late (I always feel like I miss half the day), prepare breakfast, go running, then I surf in the Internet (lately looking for jobs), talk to my mum, sleep, prepare and eat dinner, watch TV although it does not interest me, sleep, all in all, I wait that anther day passes. I hate running but it is my only task and I cannot quit it! I always get the best ideas and thoughts during I run. Actually, I just came back from it although it is more than 35 degrees outside but I have to fill the 24 hours of the day somehow!

Two weeks ago was my graduation. I hated it. It was very hot and I was not very eager to see all the people who are so good at ignoring me. Our teachers held a lot of speeches with the messages: “What you achieved is fantastic, you can be so proud!” “The world is now open and you can do what you want!” “Nothing can stop you” “Your life just begins” “School was easy, everything gets harder now” and so on and on. I was not very encouraging. This are just phrases everyone says but one cannot take serious. Only the very good and very engaged students got honored so for the Reston us it was very boring. Surprisingly I had not the worst overall A-Level result although I never raised my hand which contributes 50% to the grade. I was not lazy, I was afraid that the other would laugh. I ruined my A-Levels by this. My mum (who was the only one who accompanied me) and I were glad when it was over.

A week later the horror started anew: the big ball (organized by the students to celebrate themselves and praise their teachers). This time my mum and dad came. The students sat on a gallery and the teachers and parents sat below us so they could not see us. I was worried about where to sit but like the week before I got invited to sit next to two classmates of mine, okay they ignored me the whole time but at least I had not had to worry about a place to sit. The celebration took 5 freaking hours, five!!! Can you believe it? It was extraordinary boring and I played with my cell phone. We were nine different classes and everyone had to produce a video to introduce their class. My crappy class decided to sing a song of praise for our tutor. I hated the idea, I mean I am scared to talk with them and especially in front of a lot of people and then more than 500 people should see me singing?! Because everyone had to sing a verse alone? I hate my class, I hate them so much! I did it of course but it was so embarrassing. Our video was by far the worst. After every video two of each class held a speech which summed up the last two years and praised their teacher. It was terrible not only because they lied like troopers but because they hardly tried to be funny but failed. During the videos there were performances by the year below us like dances and songs. Even two girls of my year sang a song but everyone (okay, not th teachers and parents) laughed about the because it sounded awful, Who recommended them to sing there? Of course had someone the glorious idea to make a father-daughter and mother-son dance. Fortunately I was able to convince my father that we do not participate. Somehow I think it is very embarrassing. There were even two breaks a 30 minutes which could have been omitted because the event took 5 and a half hours. Jesus! The only funny thing were the waiter. Two boys dropped literally everything and if one heard glass shattering on the staircase again one could easily guess whose fault it was! They even ruined some dresses and suits! Food was almost non-existent. Everyone got one tiny, tiny glass with either potato salad or meat. We were all starving!

Two days later was the After-show party to which I did not go. I have enough experiences of school parties to know that I would stand alone in a corner and wish that the party is soon over. Surprisingly one of my classmates, who refused to go as well, asked if we want to go to a restaurant instead and spend the evening together. Because I longed for distraction I said yes. We went to a restaurant which looked like a retirement home and the people who came there matched the impression. We decreases the average age from 90 to 80. But the food was delicious. I drove her home afterwards. It was her and her friend with whom I met to eat breakfast together a week before. We stayed in the cafe four hours and just talked (it did not feel like 4 hours the time just flew by). Afterwards we went to the city center to eat ice cream (well, I just watched them eating ice cream). I drove them both home there, too. I do not know why everything has to be about food not only then but at home as well. My mum knows barely another topic than food, what should she make for dinner, we should go to a restaurant again, could I bake a cake, could I buy buns for breakfast, she is so hungry what could she eat, do I want an ice cream? Ugh.

Now to the topic I think about the most: AuPair.
During my graduation my tutor (who has filled out my character reference) asked me if I could write her a post card when I am in the US. I had to tell her then that no host family wants me as an AuPair and she was shocked because she thought the Organisation just matches AuPair and host family. An classmate overheard the conversation and asked me if I want the telephone number of an acquaintance of her who knows a host family who is still searching an AuPair. I was happy for a new opportunity and said yes. I wrote her the same day. She told me about the host family from Philly with two girls. It sounded good until I heard that I had to change the Organisation to match with the family. The family was registered at Cultural Care AuPair (the Organisation I did not wanted to choose because it was the most expansive and the one with the worst critics) and I am registered at AIFS. Actually, I thought about changing the Organisation for a short time but I would have to fill out every form anew and request a new medical form and criminal record what would cost money again and in the end the family and I do not like each other and everything was for nothing. So I declined her offer. I gave up the idea of a year abroad.
Four days later a new host family emailed me that they are interested. I was very happy. Again four days later I skyped with the host mum, she is awesome. She is really sympathic and the family is everything I have always wished for. Okay there are three boys (I would prefer two but I will make it) and I can start not until Mid-October (I wanted to start by no later than the beginning of September so I could start studying the next year after I came back, but I have to admit I changed my availability time so my chances were higher to get a host family). Our skype interview was the longest, funniest and best I ever had, I tried to speak a lot. She said she really enjoyed talking to me and we skype again tomorrow, then with her husband too. Two days ago I skyped with their current AuPair (I was the only applicant who were able to do so, which is a good sign I think). I really hope it will work eventually!

So now to you dear Amy. It is thanks to you that I write this blog post. I doubt I am a good distraction because my life is really messed up (more than I let someone know) and boring but I m very honored that you like my blog because I just became a big fan of yours! (Guys, check it out, it is awesome!!!! –> My winged words ). We are more alike than one thinks. I am sorry that I cannot give you any tips about blogging because I do not have any rules. I just write about my day and what touches me, my thoughts and ideas, just like a diary. I hope that other people who are like me find comfort in it and does not feel alone. I wish you all the best and I wish I could tell you something which would help you but I am the last one who should give you any advises about overcoming an eating disorder. I really admire your bravery and honesty and cannot wait for a new post from you.

XOXO Becca

Police interrogation

Hey there,

I am very busy with learning for my A-Levels lately but I try to have time for my Host family search as well.
My dream family from Texas rejected me unfortunately and I was very desperate until I got a new suggestion yesterday. I was sure that I will never find a good host family, maybe because I am too late or my application is total crap.

I wrote with the host dad of the newly suggested host family (from Chicago) and we arranged a Skype Interview for today. I was not very nervous because I thought it will be as casual as the one with the host mum from Texas last week. Think again! It was horrible ( and lasted even longer!) The host dad asked me a lot of questions, sometimes even very private ones like how my parents punished me or who I am closest to in my family and why. He wanted to know a lot of things (my hobbies, in detail, e.g. how often and what I cook, my driving behaviour, e.g. which car I drive and how often, if I had been in a foreign country alone, e.g. where I did my internship, how it was, how my exchange to England was, and so on. A ton of questions, I was afraid that it will never end. It was worse than every police interrogation I could imagine. Sometimes I had difficulties to express what I want to say but I think he understood me and even said my English is very good! At the end I was able to ask some questions and it seemed like he want to have perfect kids so they are constantly under pressure to improve. Moreover there were quite a few rules for the AuPair and he emphasised that the AuPair would be a worker with special treatment but a worker! In addition to this electronic devices like phones and tablets are not allowed there.

That is not the family I searched for so I just declined a second Skype interview, this time with the host mum.

Results

I got my results from the written part of my A-Levels today. I would have been satisfied with at least 10 points in history and 7-8 points in English and German. 

I cried when I saw how many points I achieved. I managed to get 10 in history and 8 in English but 5 ! points in German. I knew that it was not perfect but I never expected it to be so bad. I couldn’t stop the tears. It was awful. Everyone told me it is not that bad and that some were altogether even worse than me but that does not cheer me up. Okay some probably did not pass and I feel bad for crying because of 3 points if they did not made it and did not cry. But it was so important to be good. I do not know if I should try to improve my points in an extra test. I doubt that I could increase my points a lot. 

I did not hurry with coming home. When.I got home my mum was very disappointed and said she always thought native German speakers without immigrant background are able to get much more points and that this looks like I am totally dump and that no one will hire me. That was really encouraging. My answer was that clever people will know that it is much more than correct German spelling and grammar and if she thinks she would have scored higher but she said that is not comparable and that I am very arrogant thinking that everybody I deal with is dumb. She cannot understand why I left to go to my room. The first thing I did there was eating chocolate. I just made first steps in getting over it and she crushed it and made everything worse. Maybe I should do a year abroad just to get away from her although she is the reason I originally did not want to go…

At the moment I am discovering my love for Metal music🤘🎧🎵

No match

Hey guys! 

I turned down the offer of the host family from Atlanta. I checked out their site on the AuPair website. The e-mail sounded great but when I read the letter to the future AuPair I was not certain that this is the family I want. The kids have ADHD and have to take pills and are often naughty but “it is very funny and difficult not to laugh about it” What? Totally funny when they do what they want. Moreover, I really do not want the parents working from home. I would always feel watched. Moreover, there not only lived the parents with its two children but all grandparents too. The biggest problem was that I would have have to take my holidays when they were in summer holidays only a few weeks after I would have arrived. I do not have money then. The good things would have been that I would have to work weekdays often so I had free on weekends most of the time. Moreover, Atlanta is cool although I would prefer the West Coast. The family looks nice too and has a lot of workers so I would not have much to do. But I was wondering why they even need an AuPair with all this people living there… Maybe I am too picky or my subconscious wants to tell me that deep inside me I do not want to go to the US… 

Becca

Finished

I am done with the written part of my A-Levels since 3 hours. I imagined it worse.

The first suggestion was a speech about the republic as state form from 1848. Task one was to summarize it and Task 2 to write about the different political meanings and the Vormärz from 1815 to 1848. The third task was to state if the excerpt from the speech that if the republic has to be forced onto the people it is no real republic anymore suits for the Weimarer Republik. 

Suggestion B was a manifest by the Nationalkomitee Freies Deutschland which demanded that the people should put up resistance against Hitler. Task one was to summarize and Task two to explain the different forms, motivations and dangers of resistance. Eventually one had to discuss whether Germany was free in 1949.

Suggestion C was about the German reunification. First one had to summarize the letter from the UdSSR to Kohl. Second, one had to tell the circumstances of the reunification 1989/90 and third, one had to explain what it means that Germany has learned of the last 40 years. 

I was not sure if I should pick A or B. When I have read A I was glad and really liked the third task. When I made some notes I could not remember what has happened after 1837. There was a blank space between 1837 and 1848. There has not happened anything relevant. I could have picked this suggestion but instead I took B. I have not learned the resistance in the Third Reich precisely but three years ago I made a presentation about Helmuth James Graf von Moltke and remembered a bit about him. Moreover I know a bit about Georg Elser, the Weiße Rose, Bonhoeffer and Claus Schenck Graf von Stauffenberg and made a lot of conclusions and maybe even weave some aspects. Hehe. To the last one I wrote about the state of occupation, the Marshall plan, the founding of the BRD and the DDR, the Grundgesetz, the monetary reform and Adenauers foreign politics. I think it was not so bad but I am mad at me that I have not chosen the first suggestion! 

But guys it is over! Strangely, I am kind of sad that it is over now. We get holidays on Friday and then I have to start learning for my oral exams in Maths and Religious Education. I think R.E. won’t be a problem but maths… 

Thank for your support! 

XOXO Becca

Empty brain

I have to write my last A-Levels exam tomorrow – History. I thought I can do it but it is so much. I have 20 pages (with front and back) with a lot of post-it’s about the German history from 1800 to 1949. Actually, I should know everything until 1990 but my brain and the time are too limited. The only thing I know is what I do not know. When I was afraid of German and English and could not imagine it could be worse. I cannot remember anything from history. My brain is totally blank. Moreover, I am very tired. I had no school today and I am learning since 12 am but it does not stay inside my head. I had hoped that writing it down will help me to learn it but I forgot somehow. Anyway, I think about doing this school year again so failing would help me make up my mind although I think there is nothing more horrible than messing it up. I think I started learning too late. I was convinced my written sheets help me but I CANNOT REMEMBER A DAMN THING! Help! I am so tired (physically and mentally). I am so afraid. History is about knowledge. Why did I chose it again? Oh yeah, because I am worse in any other subject. 

Please keep your fingers crossed. I am so scared! 

BECCA😱😨😰😭 (a total mess)