Airport

Good morning,

I am currently sitting in the airplane. We are standing on the airfield for almost one and a half hours now because of the mist. 

The day began already excellent. When I checked in and gave away my suitcase it was too heavy (only one kg above the maximum weight) and I had to take something out, in the end it was my winter jacket. I wear two jackets now although it will be 26 C in New York. Awesome! I was so furious I started to cry. 

We met my aunt, my uncle and my cousin and walked to the passport check together. In front of it we waited for one hour and talked. My cousin has made me a little book, which is very cute.

Before the Passport check I had to say goodbye to my family. My sister and father were totally cool but my mother cried the whole time. I thought I would cry too because I have started crying the days before when my mum cried and even cried when my little cousin cried because I would leave. But now I was very cool. Maybe because I am so excited and can’t wait to get there. My dream comes true. I am so happy! The last days I looked full of joy towards my departure and only felt bad when my mum started crying but all in all I am very happy. 

Oh we start moving so I turn on the flight mode now. See you! 

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22

So Leuts,

I have less than 24 hours left with my family. I am total panicking, not because I leave ( I think that is going to happen soon) but because I am packing my suitcase since Sunday, okay I started on Sunday and continued yesterday and I have too much stuff. Originally I thought I am really good at packing, everything seemed to fit and I wasn’t even sure if I need the hand luggage but everyone made me feel like I have not enough and now I have too much (it does not fit into the suitcase I haven’t weighed it yet) and I does not know what to leave at home, everything seems important! I have not much else than clothes, is this normal? Unfortunately, the presents for the host family take one third of the space! Ups. 

My aunt made a USA – Rebecca is coming Party yesterday. There were burgers and beer (Bud light for me and German for the others, to be honest I haven’t tasted a difference) and I have baked cookie butter cupcakes. There was American music and my aunt wanted to know everything about my flight, my travel preparations, my first days in New York, my future if I want to expand. She said I should not answer the messages of my mum everyday because when I am not at home it should feel like it too. My mum could have killed her. 

I am still not nervous because I cannot realise I am leaving tomorrow. Weird. 

I crafted the whole week (instead of packing) goodbye presents for my parents and my grandma: a clock full of pictures with typical American images so they know what time it is in Boston and a calendar with pictures from us as well as from New England. Now that I am finish I think it is ridiculous and a totally self centered present but I thought I have to give them something! 

What I have to do today is obviously packing, cleaning up my room, it looks like something exploded in here because I have thrown everything I thought I wanted to take with me into the floor and now there is barely floor visible, I want to shower, eat all the stuff which only I eat (happy eating), vacuum at my grandma’s, search the suitcase scale, say goodbye to my grandma and my aunt, cook dinner (Chili con carne), maybe read, oh not to forget quit my job, sleep and I think that’s it. 

Finished

So that was working for my first real job ever. I do not know if I will work again before I leave in 24, ups sorry it’s already Friday, in 23 days. That is so weird I still cannot realise it properly although the pleasant anticipation changes into fear and furry that I wanted to leave in the first place. Everything is fine here! At the moment I get along very well with my family, I have a job which makes fun(most of the time). Okay, I may be alone but I think that is just how I am. I am so scared that I won’t find friends in the US. I see it at work. Everybody ignores me although we have worked together for a week now! Sigh! I am just bad at making friends… 

Working was fun today. Luckily. Although I had to work for the impolite car company. First I was in the part of the people who were responsible for laying the table. It was very fun because this time the tasks were exactly categorized. I had to place the white wine glasses onto the tables with the help of a very nice boy. We had to wear gloves and everything had to be exactly like on the pictures. Ridiculous. While we prepared the tables, the other part served the aperitif. Then we had to go to our areas in which we were divided earlier. There we knew precisely what we had to do too. My task was to serve the drinks but after a few rounds during which I did not drop anything but the people were not very eager to take something as well I started cleaning up where I was busier and people ordered even more drinks when I cleaned up than when I walked around serving drinks. The boy who helped me with the white wine glasses and I talked now and then and he opened the door for me every time. I do not know what was going on today because another boy tried to do everything for me, he tried to take away all the dishes I collected because he thought I could not carry them, he came every time he saw me doing something and wanted to do it for me. That was a really nice thought but it was very annoying eventually. All in all it was fun today. I got along with my colleagues very well this time, we were even allowed to eat some of the leftovers, which were disgusting btw, the German band Münchner Freiheit  was there and even performed their big hit “Ohne dich” which is I admit, older than I but one song I know by heart because my best friend during primary school and I used to sing it when we sang karaoke. 

Moreover, we were allowed to leave earlier than planned. Originally my shift ended at 2am because the event should be over at 1am but at 12am almost nobody was there anymore and we waiters and waitresses had cleaned up almost everything already so when we had to bring down the leftover deserts I just checked out, yes without permission, but almost everyone went home and I am not in the mood to spend my night at the train station again so I went home too. I amam in the train now and looking forward to lay in my bed and sleep. 

Xoxo and good night! Becca

My birthday

Hey guys,

my birthday was better than expected. A friend of mine came by surprisingly (she drove 10 km by bike just to visit me (one way)) That’s so cute! She even brought me a present: a book. It is a thriller about a family whose nanny isn’t what they expected… I’ll tell you how it is then. 

Like I planned I got up at 9am and found an envelope which my sis stuffed through under my door. It was a coupon and a handwritten letter. My mum just hugged me and wished me all the best. We had breakfast then. After it I wanted to go running but first my grandma came and have me her gift: a card with money: American money. My first US Dollars! and second my grandpa phoned congratulated me and asked if I have got his letter. In fact, it has already arrived and contained the only Euros I would get this birthday.  When she left because my mum had to drive her to the doctor I went running. In the meantime a few people wrote me birthday wishes, two acquaintances and my uncle. After my mum came back with my grandma and I had showered she gave me my birthday present: a bouquet of flowers (which she has bought when she waited for my grandma) and a card with money, again American. She said she couldn’t wait until my dad comes back. 

My mum and I cleaned up the house until my sister came back from school because my sister’s math teacher was supposed to come later to teach her some extra math lessons. My sister did not mention my birthday or acknowledged my thank-you. 

At 3pm the doorbell rang. I did not expected visitors and the math teacher would not come before 5pm so I was very surprised when my friend (I call her like that now that she came by only for me and although I did not visit her on her birthday (what makes me a guilty conscience). Fortunately I have baked a cake the day before and after I have showed her my bedroom we ate cake (she ate even 3 which made me very happy because this shows me she liked it). Bit by bit my mum and grandma joined us and we all talked. When my father came home he joined us too and was disappointed that my mum has given me their gift already. I was even able to convince my friend to drink a glass of Amarula although she doesn’t like alcohol. Later it started raining heavily and we had to go inside. Then it was time for my friend to leave to but because of the rain my father was so kind to drive her and her bike. Because of the later I wasn’t able to accompany them unfortunately. 

Dinner was one of my favorite foods: salmon and spinach. Yummy! Just minutes before it was ready my uncle, aunt and cousin came by to give me my present: US dollars! 

The test of the day I watched TV with my parents but had to go to bed early because the next day I had to get up eearly because I had to work. But that’s a different story.

XOXO Becca

Birthdays

Hey,

I really do not like August. Okay, it’s summer and I like the warm and sunny weather where one can sit outside in the sun drinking a cold drink and reading a great book (In my opinion one cannot read every book at every weather, I believe the weather has to match the atmosphere of the book, weird I know. A popular example is Twilight, I prefer to read it while it’s bad weather.) Okay, I got distracted. What I wanted to tell you is that I really hate August because it’s my birthday month. I despise my birthday. It’s my birthday this week and I can’t wait for it to be over. There are barely any things I abhor more than having birthday. The thing is it is kinda New Years Eve (the ones of you who follow me for a longer time now know how much I dislike it). Everyone says nice things and treats you especially kindly just because it’s your birthday. You have to be lovely too because it is your birthday you are supposed to be happy and charming to your guests, you are not allowed to be mad. Moreover, you are the center of attention, you have to decide which food for dinner and what movie to watch although the other 364 (365) days no one cares about your opinion. The presents do not make it better. You are exspected to like them and even if I like them they do not compensate the stress. I prefer not having birthday and that’s probably the reason I haven’t thrown a party the past years. My plan for tomorrow is to go for a run in the morning and spend the rest of the day by reading in the sun  (it is said to be sunny and warm) preferably “Voyager” by Diana Gabaldon. It will be a very calm day and I exspect no surprises, I get 19, that is nothing special, it is just frustrating because I will get 20 next year and I have always considered 20 as old. *Sigh*

I am on the road now because I want to sign the contract for working as a hostess finally so I have to bake the cake for tomorrow in the evening. I know it is a bit depressing when the birthday girl has to bake her cake herself. This will be the second cake I baked this week, I guess I bake a lot when I am bored. It is going to be an Amarula cheesecake after I already made an Amarula chocolate chip cake (Now that the Amarula bottle is open I have to get it empty in a couple of days and lacking of friends to drink it with – drinking it alone is so sad and full of calories – I have to use it for baking.

Oh and for the German football fans: This Sunday there is a day almost totally dedicated to American Football on ProSiebenMaxx where they even show one preseason game (I would have almost missed it so I want to draw you attention to it!) 

Mom

Originally I should have started working today but I am (still) without an occupation. My mom forbid me to start working in the company because I would make less money than a cleaning lady. Well, I planned to work to have something to do in the first place. Gaining money was just a very big positive side effect. I had to quit it, I already had the working contract. Sigh! I really liked what I would have done! Damn it!

Because I am serious about finding a place to work I wrote new applications straight away. I even got my first answer only one day later. He invited me to a personal talk two days later but only if I would work there for a longer time then. Okay, I lied and said I would like to startthe studying and stay in the area. But hey, I felt bad. My mom made me cancel it because she said the day the interview would have been was the only day we could go and have a breakfast together as a family like it used to be a tradition once every summer break. With family she meant her, my sister and me, not my father. She made me feel bad too and in addition to the bad feeling because I lied I canceled it. 

But now the thing which infuriates, yes present tense, the most: she told my uncle about Boston. Okay, that would not have been a problem in a normal family. So let me explain:

Short after I have matched with the super awesome host family in Boston my mum said she does not want my aunt and uncle to know it because they would not care about us anyway except for now when it seemed like I would go to the US. They would use this as an excuse to go to Boston too and would annoy not only me but my host family as well. Moreover, they would go there and would buy the flight as soon as they know while my mom could not afford visiting me there. Okay, I do not know why but I agreed with her and we did not tell anybody. A few days later I realised how ridiculous this is and that it isn’t true that my aunt does not care. She really supported not only my year abroad but everything I do (e.g. she was the one who got me the internship in England!). I really wanted to tell her although she was on vacation but told me to write if I hear anything from Boston before she drove. But my mom told me not to and I thought that she still needs time to accept it so I obeyed. When we visited my grandma and she asked if I got news from Boston my mom lied fastly before I could say anything and I did not disagree with her (big mistake). This was because she did not want my grandmother to tell my aunt about it. I was sick of all the lying so when we went to visit my other aunt I told her. I think my mom does not really like it but I told them everything about my host family and they seemed very happy. At that point my other aunt still did not know. A clever girl would have written her and told her everything but I thought they would be back the next day and then I could tell them in person. Unfortunately I haven’t seen them then. 

When my uncle, the one who has been on vacation, asked my mom yesterday if we have heard something from the host family she told him everything. When I asked her why she did it she asked if she should have lied. I told her that she lied to her mother but she did not care and could not understand why I was angry. First of all, I wanted to tell them, second, she did not wanted them to know in the first place and third, my aunt should have got to know it first, not her husband. So when my aunt came home, her husband told her everything and she stormed angrily into my room. Why I haven’t told her? Mhhh, why??? My sister then said that I wanted to tell them in person and my mom said that I am angry with her because she told my uncle. My aunt was very, very, very happy about the fact that I will stay in Boston one year but she and my uncle are mad that I haven’t told them. Great! My mom.thought that with this everything was fine but why has she told them that I am angry with her? Now it looks even more like I did not wanted them to know! She still does not get it and although I was angry with her, she is now angry with me and does not even talk with me anymore. Maybe because when she left the house this morning I called my grandma to tell her about Boston so it was me who told her and not my mom or my uncle, who was going to visit her today and would have told her about him being angry with me because of it for sure. I feel very bad for not letting them all know and decide myself what’s best. Why do I behave like an under-aged and do everything my mom tells me without thinking further about it! I am so dump!  Everyone hates me now!

I do not know if someone even understands what I am writing about but I have to write about it, I am  soooooooooo angry!

Summer

Okay first of all, I have write this post again because it just got deleted. Damn it.

I think I will die of boredom soon. Everyone has something to do except for me. My little cousin is in Croatia, my oldest cousin went to the North Sea with a couple of friends, even my sister will travel to Denmark with the Girl Scouts and my parents will spend a week in Vienna. The only one who stays at home for two weeks is me. I think my mum would pay a short trip somewhere but I do not want to be dependent on my parents and their money. Moreover they do not have much money either otherwise they would go to the Carribbean for holiday. My mum puts aside a lot of money so she has money she can spend on things for my sister and me. I do not want that my mum almost buys nothing for her so she has enough money for us. It is just not right. My sister has a different opinion she wants and wants and wants new things.

I think I hit the bottom now. I just had to file unemployment not because of the money but so my parents get child support and I stay social secured. I searched for a job for weeks now, effortlessly. They all think I will quit in October because they assume I will start studying then – wrong. I still do not know WHAT to study and there are only a few days left (until July 15) to apply for a place at the university but I still do not know what I want (and you all know how bad I am at making decisions). Eventually I will have no job nor a place at the university. I am such a loser. I do not know how to spend my days. Since I have no school anymore (which is since May 12) my days are all the same, I get up very early because I hate to sleep in late (I always feel like I miss half the day), prepare breakfast, go running, then I surf in the Internet (lately looking for jobs), talk to my mum, sleep, prepare and eat dinner, watch TV although it does not interest me, sleep, all in all, I wait that anther day passes. I hate running but it is my only task and I cannot quit it! I always get the best ideas and thoughts during I run. Actually, I just came back from it although it is more than 35 degrees outside but I have to fill the 24 hours of the day somehow!

Two weeks ago was my graduation. I hated it. It was very hot and I was not very eager to see all the people who are so good at ignoring me. Our teachers held a lot of speeches with the messages: “What you achieved is fantastic, you can be so proud!” “The world is now open and you can do what you want!” “Nothing can stop you” “Your life just begins” “School was easy, everything gets harder now” and so on and on. I was not very encouraging. This are just phrases everyone says but one cannot take serious. Only the very good and very engaged students got honored so for the Reston us it was very boring. Surprisingly I had not the worst overall A-Level result although I never raised my hand which contributes 50% to the grade. I was not lazy, I was afraid that the other would laugh. I ruined my A-Levels by this. My mum (who was the only one who accompanied me) and I were glad when it was over.

A week later the horror started anew: the big ball (organized by the students to celebrate themselves and praise their teachers). This time my mum and dad came. The students sat on a gallery and the teachers and parents sat below us so they could not see us. I was worried about where to sit but like the week before I got invited to sit next to two classmates of mine, okay they ignored me the whole time but at least I had not had to worry about a place to sit. The celebration took 5 freaking hours, five!!! Can you believe it? It was extraordinary boring and I played with my cell phone. We were nine different classes and everyone had to produce a video to introduce their class. My crappy class decided to sing a song of praise for our tutor. I hated the idea, I mean I am scared to talk with them and especially in front of a lot of people and then more than 500 people should see me singing?! Because everyone had to sing a verse alone? I hate my class, I hate them so much! I did it of course but it was so embarrassing. Our video was by far the worst. After every video two of each class held a speech which summed up the last two years and praised their teacher. It was terrible not only because they lied like troopers but because they hardly tried to be funny but failed. During the videos there were performances by the year below us like dances and songs. Even two girls of my year sang a song but everyone (okay, not th teachers and parents) laughed about the because it sounded awful, Who recommended them to sing there? Of course had someone the glorious idea to make a father-daughter and mother-son dance. Fortunately I was able to convince my father that we do not participate. Somehow I think it is very embarrassing. There were even two breaks a 30 minutes which could have been omitted because the event took 5 and a half hours. Jesus! The only funny thing were the waiter. Two boys dropped literally everything and if one heard glass shattering on the staircase again one could easily guess whose fault it was! They even ruined some dresses and suits! Food was almost non-existent. Everyone got one tiny, tiny glass with either potato salad or meat. We were all starving!

Two days later was the After-show party to which I did not go. I have enough experiences of school parties to know that I would stand alone in a corner and wish that the party is soon over. Surprisingly one of my classmates, who refused to go as well, asked if we want to go to a restaurant instead and spend the evening together. Because I longed for distraction I said yes. We went to a restaurant which looked like a retirement home and the people who came there matched the impression. We decreases the average age from 90 to 80. But the food was delicious. I drove her home afterwards. It was her and her friend with whom I met to eat breakfast together a week before. We stayed in the cafe four hours and just talked (it did not feel like 4 hours the time just flew by). Afterwards we went to the city center to eat ice cream (well, I just watched them eating ice cream). I drove them both home there, too. I do not know why everything has to be about food not only then but at home as well. My mum knows barely another topic than food, what should she make for dinner, we should go to a restaurant again, could I bake a cake, could I buy buns for breakfast, she is so hungry what could she eat, do I want an ice cream? Ugh.

Now to the topic I think about the most: AuPair.
During my graduation my tutor (who has filled out my character reference) asked me if I could write her a post card when I am in the US. I had to tell her then that no host family wants me as an AuPair and she was shocked because she thought the Organisation just matches AuPair and host family. An classmate overheard the conversation and asked me if I want the telephone number of an acquaintance of her who knows a host family who is still searching an AuPair. I was happy for a new opportunity and said yes. I wrote her the same day. She told me about the host family from Philly with two girls. It sounded good until I heard that I had to change the Organisation to match with the family. The family was registered at Cultural Care AuPair (the Organisation I did not wanted to choose because it was the most expansive and the one with the worst critics) and I am registered at AIFS. Actually, I thought about changing the Organisation for a short time but I would have to fill out every form anew and request a new medical form and criminal record what would cost money again and in the end the family and I do not like each other and everything was for nothing. So I declined her offer. I gave up the idea of a year abroad.
Four days later a new host family emailed me that they are interested. I was very happy. Again four days later I skyped with the host mum, she is awesome. She is really sympathic and the family is everything I have always wished for. Okay there are three boys (I would prefer two but I will make it) and I can start not until Mid-October (I wanted to start by no later than the beginning of September so I could start studying the next year after I came back, but I have to admit I changed my availability time so my chances were higher to get a host family). Our skype interview was the longest, funniest and best I ever had, I tried to speak a lot. She said she really enjoyed talking to me and we skype again tomorrow, then with her husband too. Two days ago I skyped with their current AuPair (I was the only applicant who were able to do so, which is a good sign I think). I really hope it will work eventually!

So now to you dear Amy. It is thanks to you that I write this blog post. I doubt I am a good distraction because my life is really messed up (more than I let someone know) and boring but I m very honored that you like my blog because I just became a big fan of yours! (Guys, check it out, it is awesome!!!! –> My winged words ). We are more alike than one thinks. I am sorry that I cannot give you any tips about blogging because I do not have any rules. I just write about my day and what touches me, my thoughts and ideas, just like a diary. I hope that other people who are like me find comfort in it and does not feel alone. I wish you all the best and I wish I could tell you something which would help you but I am the last one who should give you any advises about overcoming an eating disorder. I really admire your bravery and honesty and cannot wait for a new post from you.

XOXO Becca