Last day

Hey folks, what’s up?

Spring break is almost over but I am not sure if I should be happy or sad. It started great because on Monday last week I met an friend from primary school. I went to her house, where her boyfriend was, too, which I think was a bit disturbing but fortunately he left after a short time to go buying groceries. We have not seen us since December last year so it took us hours to catch up. Unfortunately her life as a mess as mine so we had a lot to talk about, especially our A-Levels. Her subjects are maths, art and German. We later went outside to enjoy the sun and continue talking. Her boyfriend came back but stayed inside. We talked about her grandfather dying a few weeks ago, her boyfriend (of course when he was away), school and that she fights a lot with her friends there, her mothers new husband (who is btw a jerk), her moving to her grandmother in summer break because she cannot bear her mother anymore, her plans after finishing school (she has no specific ones – maybe working), about the oral part of the A-Levelsand that we are not motivated to learn, that she is afraid that she totally messed up the A-Levels and we wallowed in memories. When her mum came home she made us come eating self made brownies. I got to know Naomi’s step dad Gordon, he asked how A-Levels went with me and I answered it was okay. He and Naomi’s mum started criticizing Naomi and me because A-Levels are totally easy and they passed it without effort. They then asked us questions like when did the first humans settle in the US (I knew that – 1619 in Jamestown), who / what is Othello (I have heard about it and know that it is written by Shakespeare but that’s it – it was not enough) why the most spoken language is English and not German ( I know this because my mum keeps telling me that but I have never heard of it in school) and other questions which were irrelevant for the A-Levels. Naomi and I could not answer much so they said we were dump and no wonder that we are not sure if we pass the A-Levels. I have never felt so dump! I can totally understand why Naomi wants to move, her mother was different when she was still single. 
The day after that my mum and I cleaned the terrace that means we have to clean the wooden floor by hand. We do it every year by scrubbing it with a dandy brush on our knees which takes a minimum of 3 hours. Well, we did it and afterwards everything hurt. I always feel like a sailor cleaning the floor of a ship. 
On Wednesday my mum and I went to the mall to buy a dress for the Abi Ball. 90 minutes and 20 dresses later I found one. I means it is not my dream dress but it looks good. Originally I did not want a blue dress because I am almost always wearing blue but the other colors looked really bad when I wore them so eventually I had to pick between two blue dresses, one was completely dark blue and high-necked. On the top were dark blue sequins, the other one was dark blue, too and had a silver belt and a heart-formed neckline, and a dark blue dress with a V-neckline and lace. I have not picked the one my mum preffered and the shop Assistent said I have picked the most teenage-locking one. I picked the dark blue one with the sequins.                         After buying it we split up and everyone had one hour on their own. I went to a multimedia shop, a grocery store, a decoration store and a book shop. In the end I bought two books and some fake flowers. When we met again we went on shopping for clothes. After 7 hours in the mall we returned home. To be honest, more often I see my dress the more I like it. 
The next days were boring, I was at home and enjoyed the time my sister was skiing with my uncle and his family. I read a lot and watched TV, I am almost through with Prison Break, I have to watch episode 1 of season 5 so I can watch the new episode tomorrow on Tv. I think they should not have make a new season, (!!! Spoiler alert !!! Because I liked that Michael died. Do not get me wrong, I really liked Michael and I have cried very much when I saw his gravestone and when he sacrificed himself for Sara and the Baby but I think it is awesome that there is no typical happy end! They are free but he is dead. It is typical for the show because often characters died one died not exscpected. ) I am curious how the new season is and I am going to watch the first episode in the evening. 

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Last weekend the weather was incredibly good so I sat outside the whole time and read. Silly me has not thought about sun protection so I had a bad sunburn afterwards. But it was okay. It was very hot. Unfortunately the weather worsened within the week and yesterday it rained a lot. Fortunately I was able and motivated to clean my car beforehand. It took me 3 hours to clean it up from the in- and outside. My mum and grandma watched me the whole time and gave unbelievable useful tips. During cleaning it my motivation said goodbye and I wanted to be finish asap but my perfection was in the way and so I cleaned it up very hearty. 
On Wednesday I went to the mall with Jaqueline. We have not seen us for a long time, too. I drove us (although I hate driving or at least I hate it when I am not alone) there. It went very well and there we rambled through the shops because we both did not have much many left. We went looking for dresses for Jaqueline for the AbiBall but she was not keen to try them on so we did not found one. We spend a lot of time in the book shop to discuss the books there which we have read and recommend them or not to each other. Eventually we left without buying one. After that we went to the decoration shop and I bought an angel figure for my mum(she loves them), a frame and a glass container. We went to Starbucks and while we drank our coffee we talked about, of course, our A-Levels, about redoing the school year (she is the only one who understands why I want to do it again), about her friends, the Parkplatzparty, Eastern, dresses, what to do after school and what to do after having no classes anymore in May. It was great to talk to her and I love meeting her. We should definitely meet more often. We went into some fashion shops but did not buy anything and after her buying some chocolate for her parents we left after 4 hours and drove home. 
Yesterday was boring, my mum went grocery shopping and I went with her. I remembered that I still have to write a poem for the poetry slam in German, make my presentation for English which I have to present on Tuesday and make my politics homework which I need on Tuesday as well. And this is excaxtly my plan for today in addition to reading and doing sports. The weather is good so I am probably going outside to do so. 

I hope you have a nice Friday! Becca XXX

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🎶My Party, your Party, everybody join the Party…🎶

Okay, I am on my way back home now. It was like I had predicted only worse . No-one of my friends (I call them like that because I do not know how to call them instead, I mean I get along with them very well, we talk in school and chat although we do not meet outside of school and do not even spend our breaks together so I am uncertain about our relationship) was there. First, I did not know to whom I should go but decided to go to the girls from my major class. Well, they ignored me and it seemed like they did not want me there. I did not know where to go instead so I stayed there. More and more left and I felt like a total Idiot. Fortunately, one girl from my history class, the one that wrote history yesterday too, came to me and we talked about the exam yesterday. When she left only two girls were still there so I stayed with them. They talked about their experiences together and I wished I could go but thought a) that it is ridiculous to go there for only 45 minutes when it took me almost an hour to get there and b) that it would look weird if I left as first one that early. I drank some beer and Apfelwein. A “friend” who lives in town wrote me the whole time she would come. I stayed there 2 1/2 hours felt like an idiot and got shot with a ball but she did not come. When I was leaving she wrote she can come now. I think she was mad when I said she does not have to come anymore I am leaving. Of course, I could have stayed but I had to go to the bathroom and our school was already closed so I had to leave. She could have come earlier anyway, we already talked about it yesterday. But, yes, I feel a little bit bad about it. I hope my friend in Frankfurt had more fun! 

XOXO a disappointed Becca 

On my way

Hi people, 

At the moment, I am on my way to the Abiparty in our school to celebrate that we are finish with the written part of our A-Levels. It is today because the last exam – physics – was today. I only had 2 classes so I went home but I had barely one hour there before I had to leave again. Right now, I am sitting in the train. I did not want to drive because then I cannot drink something and it would be horrible to stand sosemester next to a lot of drink people 😉 And yes, I AM already 18 years old. A lot of people I get along with won’t come unfortunately. They did not want to come again or does not like the people there. I think we can make this party only once so why should I miss it. Anyway, if I do not like it there I can go home. A friend from an other school goes to the big Abiparty in Frankfurt but that is to far away for us. Okay, if I had to bet I would say there won’t be a lot of people. I assume this because of the talks I have heard. There will be all the typical people who make party nonstop and I will feel awkward probably. But let’s see. Maybe it will be awesome. I am still trying to convince this one girl, I get along with very well, to come, too. 

Okay I go partying! 

XOXO Becca❤

Empty brain

I have to write my last A-Levels exam tomorrow – History. I thought I can do it but it is so much. I have 20 pages (with front and back) with a lot of post-it’s about the German history from 1800 to 1949. Actually, I should know everything until 1990 but my brain and the time are too limited. The only thing I know is what I do not know. When I was afraid of German and English and could not imagine it could be worse. I cannot remember anything from history. My brain is totally blank. Moreover, I am very tired. I had no school today and I am learning since 12 am but it does not stay inside my head. I had hoped that writing it down will help me to learn it but I forgot somehow. Anyway, I think about doing this school year again so failing would help me make up my mind although I think there is nothing more horrible than messing it up. I think I started learning too late. I was convinced my written sheets help me but I CANNOT REMEMBER A DAMN THING! Help! I am so tired (physically and mentally). I am so afraid. History is about knowledge. Why did I chose it again? Oh yeah, because I am worse in any other subject. 

Please keep your fingers crossed. I am so scared! 

BECCA😱😨😰😭 (a total mess)

2/3 

English: done

German: done

The only subject left is history and I have still 6 days until it. I am ONE of the people who write during the longest time. 

The suggestions in German were excellent. The first one was about the poem “Notturno” written by Max Herrmann-Neiße in 1914. Task 1 was to interpret it. The second one was to compare it to the poem “Erwartung” by Joseph von Eichendorff, published 1826? (I am not sure anymore) and to relate it to the historical background. Discussing if lyric is a suitable medium to express human feelings. 

Suggestion B’s first task was to Reader the excerpt of Max Frisch’s novel Stiller and to point out what his situation is. Second, one had to compare the expectations on him to the one on Johanna from  “Die Heilige Jungfrau von Orleans” and how they deal with it. Third, one should compare the relationship of Goethes’s Gretchen and Faust to the quote by Max Frisch  

“Auch sind wir die Verfasser der anderen; wir sind auf eine heimliche und unentrinnbare Weise verantwortlich für das Gesicht, das sie uns zeigen, verantwortlich nicht für ihre Anlage, aber für die Ausschöpfung dieser Anlage.” – Erstes Tagebuch

It means something like we are the authors of other people, too. We are responsible for them in a inescapable way and responsible for the side of them they show us. Not responsible for their aptitude but what they make of it.

Suggestion C was an excerpt of “Die Blechtrommel” by  Task 1) was to summarize it and outline the stylistic and narrative perspective. 2) was to compare the view of the main character and the circumstances of his birth to Grenouille from “The Perfume” by Patrick Süskind. Last, one had to argue why the quote (I do not remember how it goes exactly) that Kafka is afraid of the world because he is not very experienced and that this is a spiral that never stops fits to Kafka’s protagonist K from “The process”.
Of course I picked A without further thinking but for a short time I thought about picking B. I wanted a comparison of poems. But I think I screwed it up. I was not sure what the last stanza of “Notturno” means so after I realised it was written in 1914 I thought that – perhaps – it deals with World War I, too. So I compare the last one to the brutality of War and that it sound more coherent I added this aspect to the analysis of the other stanzas. It seemed so logical because expressionistic poems are often ambiguous. I could have googled if it is right what I wrote but I am afraid that it is wrong so I do not. I am so glad, that I did not have to write maths yesterday😆

Done

hey there,

before I write my second A-Level exam tomorrow I want to tell you how English was. It was okay. When I got the three different suggestions I read them one by one. The first one was about slavery. There was a text about a 11 year old girl, who got a slave for her birthday but does not like it and lets her slave free. The first task was to summarize it. The second one was to analyze the stylistic devices and the narrative perspective and how they support the feeling of the girl. The third one was to write a speech as a speaker on a congress against slavery regarding a given bar chart about slavery in the U.K. today.

Suggestion B was about Ethnic identity. The text given were two excerpts of the drama “disgrace”. First, one had to outline the role of religion in Amir’s family. Second, one had to state on problems in relation to immigrants in the U.K. regarding material discussed in class and the last one was to assess whether cultural appropriation is reprehensible.

Suggestion C was about South Africa. This was a suggestion which had 3 tasks and a mediation. The mediation was about art as an expression of oppression. Task 1 was to summarize the English text. Task 2 was to compare the text to the picture given and to the killing of Amy Biehl in the novel “Mother to mother” by Sindiwe Magona, which we read in class. Discussing if art IS an expression of unsatisfaction was task 3.

After reading one by one I was sure not to pick the currently read one. I was almost ready to chose the one with the mediation although I thought it would be too much but after reading this one as well I was not sure which I should pick. They were all 💩. The first one I eliminated was C because the mediation text was terrible. It seemed it consisted only of names. Moreover, I did not wanted to work with the novel and was not sure what to write for task 3.

It took me really long to decide between A and B. Eventually, I chose B although I had not understand the text. I would have really liked to take A because writing a speech would have been great but the problem was I had not seen one stylistic device in the text and the task was important so I decided to take B. Fortunately, I understood the text while working with it but I think I wrote a lot of unimportant things and sometimes it is probably hard to understand what I mean. Later Jaqueline, who goes to a different school, told me that her teacher said that the Kultusministerium made a little mistake because there are only 2-3 stylistic devices in the text of suggestion A so it is not exspected to write about the stylistic devices but to write a general analysis. If I had known that I would have taken this suggestion! But I cannot blame my teacher because I asked the other English classes at my school but they have not known about it, too. Now it it over and I cannot change it anymore but this infuriates me more than I thought. Grrrr.

However, tomorrow I write my German A-Level exam and I am very nervous although I do not take it very serious because it would not have been necessary to learn for the English A-Levels so I think, better hope, for tasks like this in German, too, although there was no topic I had wished for in English. In German I would like to have poems from the Expressionism and the Romantic like the task last year. A task about “Die Jungfrau von Orleans” by Schiller, “Die Marquise von O” by Kleist or “Lenz” by Büchner would be okay as well. I definitely do not choose the task about “Der Prozess” by Kafka! Okay, I could pick the speech analysis if there is no other possible task although my teacher exspects a lot of background knowledge there. I am, again, not ready. I have not learned enough, again. I am nervous. I hope I can make it. Wish me luck.

All the best luck to the people who write tomorrow!

Becca;)

PANIC

HI GUYS. I AM SO NERVOUS. I AM WRITING MY FIRST ABITUR EXAM TOMORROW. IT  IS THE VERY FIRST ONE IN HESSE. IT IS THE ONE IN ENGLISH. I HAD TO LEARN THE CONTENT OF THE LAST 1 1/2 YEARS. *HYPERVENTILATING* IT IS SO HARD TO REALIZE THAT THIS IS THE MOMENT I HAVE WORKED AND LEARNED FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIVE – AT LEAST THE LAST 12 YEARS! I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME SO FAST. I FEEL QUEASY. THIS MOMENT DECIDES ABOUT MY FUTURE. IT EITHER MAKES THAT WHAT I WANT TO DO POSSIBLE OR IMPOSSIBLE. THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE. I CANNOT COME OFF BADLY BECAUSE MY OTHER GRADES ARE ALREADY BAD. TOMORROW IS SO IMPORTANT. EVERYONE EXSPECTS ME TO PERFORM GOOD. THE ABITUR IS THE ONLY GOAL I HAVE IN MY LIFE EVER AND IF I HAVE IT SCHOOL IS OVER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTERWARDS. IT IS SO SURREAL THAT THE MOMENT IS FINALLY THERE. 

TO BE HONEST I HAD SOME PANIC ATTACKS IN THE LAST DAYS. I JUST STAND THERE ( AT SCHOOL, AT HOME OR SOMEWHERE ELSE IN PUBLIC) AND JUST HAD TO STOP AND PUT MYSELF TOGETHER OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE CRIED BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF WRITING MY ABITUR IN A FEW DAYS WAS AND IS SO OVERWHELMING. IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I AM SO SCARED. I DO NOT THINK I HAVE LEARNED ENOUGH. I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED A LOT MORE. OMG. I DO NOT THINK I CAN SLEEP WELL TONIGHT. I AM SO NERVOUS. THIS IS CRAZY. UNBELIEVABLE. I DO NOT KNOW ENOUGH. MY STYLE IS BAD. MY FEHLERINDEX IS BAD. I DO NOT KNOW MUCH. THIS IS GOING TO GO TERRIBLY BAD. I AM SO AFRAID THAT I MESS IT UP. I HAVE NOT TAKEN IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH. WHILE OTHERS LEARNED I DID SOMETHING FUN LIKE READING OR WATCHING PRISON BREAK (my new favorite season btw). I FEEL SO BAD FOR NOT LEARNING ENOUGH. I AM SO NERVOUS. I HOPE THERE WILL BE EITHER A POEM TO ANALYSE MAYBE IN REGARD TO SOUTH AFRICA AND APARTHEID OR THERE WILL BE A TASK ABOUT MULTICULTURALISM IN BRITAIN COMBAINED WITH PREDJUDICES IN THE US OR SOMETHING ABOUT THE AMERICAN DREAM. I HOPE THERE IS ONE OF THIS. PLEASE WISH ME LUCK. I AM SO AFRAID. 

GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE WRITING ENGLISH TOMORROW!

XOXO BECCA *PANICKING* 😨